My Childhood: part 1

OK, so here goes... I was born in '83' lived with both parents until they divorced when I was 5 or 6. Mostly all I remember from that time is them fighting and fighting and fighting. The cops were called a lot and I went to stay with grandparents. I think the worst time was when they had separated and my mom and I had our own apartment. All I remember from that night is waking up to hearing my dad and thinking that he had come to visit me. I went running out into the living room and he had my mom on the couch and was choking her. I freaked out and went running out the door. Lucky for me my uncle was walking up to the door (he had followed my dad) and I ran into him. He picked me up and carried me back inside. He pulled my dad off of my mom and threw him out the door. I thank God everyday that my uncle came since I believe that he saved 3 lives that night. My mom's (for obvious reasons), my dad from a murder charge (spending life in prison), and my life (from foster care and who knows what else at that age).
After that it seems that we moved every 6mo or so. I never understood what was fully going on at that time, drug use and the such. All I remember is that I loved my daddy and now I could barely see him. My parents were no longer together and I thought it was MY fault. What did I do wrong? If I left would it be better? This of course started some serious depression in me (at 6 yr old). I ended up in therapy and was ok for a short while until I decided that everyone would be better off without me, so I would kill myself to let them be happy and live. I was 7 at this time... and while I was quite grown up for my age I was still just a unhappy child. Oh and to make matters worse my mom already had a new boyfriend that I thought she was trying to replace my dad with. Of course as an adult I understand more of the choices that my mom made, (and how they were for the best) but at that age all I could think was that it was my fault and how it was not fair that my parents could not love me or each other anymore, yet they had before me, so if I was no longer around would that help??
Well I ended up telling my therapist that I wanted to kill myself and that I even had a plan to do it. So I was admitted to the psych ward at Children's Hospital. I remember it being fun there and I had no worries. I also dreaded my moms visits because they made me so sad. I would watch out the window and see her boyfriend bring her to see me and I would just wish and pray that it was my dad instead. How could she love someone else? How come she was so happy not being a family with my dad and I?

I never realized how hard all this would be to write out, so for now I am going to go and I will continue with my story next post.

Thanks for reading.

Angely's Angel